Love: Top 5 Lessons, Definitions, & What Love Just Ain't

With V-Day rapidly approaching, I find myself exploring the whole "love thing"  as a single woman. Thoroughly enjoying the journey, notions of nostalgia have taken over and encouraged me to take a personal review on what love has taught me, become to me, and what it simply is not. So why not share?

1. Love is easy: False. If this were true, the human race would exist together in a more peaceful fashion, the divorce rate wouldn't be so incredibly high, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn that...

2. Real love is unconditional. Real love allows others to be exactly who they are without judgement, it is the fertilizer for a healthy, empowered soul, it eliminates fear and...

3. Love does not control. Real love never existed in "that" relationship where tactics involving guilt and shame were utilized; or even in passing relationships where the "hard sell" personality makes your stomach tighten and spirit want to run for the hills when you engage in even the lightest of conversation. Nope...

4. Love frees yourself and others. Love, in it's purest form, allows people to come and go in your life with a peace and understanding that lessons are continually available and we all have different paths to help us grow. This doesn't lend itself to meaning you should be a doormat to society; but maintain healthy boundaries and self care practices so that if others choose to enter and exit they may do so without completely deconstructing your world or forward movement in life. In other words...

5. Loving yourself is of utmost importance because if you don't love yourself, how can you truly love another? Love yourself in an all-around nonjudgmental way. Acknowledge your strengths (and others will see them), admit your faults (but don't hold onto them so tight they become your crutch), and for goodness sake, look in that mirror and own every bit of your physical beauty (everyone else sees your radiant appearance, you should too)!

6. Bonus: Love is a continual work in progress; keep learning and taking risks to grow your own personal definition and understanding of it!

Celebrate this weekend with an open heart and expanded understanding for how loved YOU are!
Cheers!

Live it, in full force!

Free falling in blind faith can be intimidating; it can be a source of pain, exposed resistance, and reveal how much control we were trying to exercise over aspects in our life when we thought we were just 'going with the flow'. Up until about a month ago, I thought I was a person consistently in the flow of life. Please quit shaking your head in disbelief.

Control makes us feel safe and it gives us the false sense of power; the more we operate in this way the more we block the flow of opportunities that are generously available to us. Don't get me wrong, there are things we should try to control...boundaries, how we communicate with others, even methods of self-care. But notice that these are the forms of control considered healthy and relate to ourselves, not environment or situations. Attempting to control anything outside of ourselves is typically an action rooted in fear, and usually related to circumstances we experienced early on in life that we want to prevent from occurring again.

When we learn to let go and begin operating from a place of beautifully faith-filled abandon; we are residing in a place of grace and alignment with our Higher Power/Purpose that can bring amazing opportunities and relationships in our life. I've watched close friends move through traumatic experiences such as defeating cancer, death of a child/spouse, or overcoming financial despair, only to be moved ultimately to a more powerful and successful existence they never dreamed possible. One friend went so far in her practice of blind faith, that during her emotionally draining divorce she decided to do the one thing in life that scared her the most: sky diving. After completing her first dive, she went back for more and has discovered strength that gives her the courage when she needs it the most and the ability to fearlessly connect with others. In my own life, during the last few years when I've felt very little 'wiggle room' for time, money, or resources, I've been forced into blind faith and as a result been blessed with the most supportive relationships, career, etc, that have helped me solidify an internal and external foundation worth living on in my new chapter. Bottom line - it's not easy to let go of the fear/control and operate in the present moment where we can't calculate or know what comes next. But when we act on this there is great opportunity for healing and alignment with who we truly; even similar to paying it forward as it's inspiring for the onlookers!

Baby step it if you have to, but dare to let go and exist only in the moment that is occurring right now. Trust that your Higher Power/God has your back (so to speak), that there is a limitless supply of abundance and opportunities available; everything that happens in between is simply a result of your healing of past wounds that are clearing the way for space to be filled by new blessings of a richer life lived with a bigger purpose.

Cheers! (With love and gratitude)

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

I had the pleasure the other day of having a mirror held up to my spirit, thus revealing a quality that had remained overlooked for some time but was creating quite a bit of commotion. As a daily practice, I often wake about 5am to start the day with a brief walk, tea, a review personal affirmations, and prayer or meditation. Depending on the level of noise my internal self is creating at the moment each morning, my ability to genuinely reflect is determined. You can imagine then, since in the past months the noise has resembled something of a wind tunnel, moments of reflection have been hurried and lacking in the ability make a lasting difference.

How can we silence our internal noise? For me it becomes easily askew quite due to the challenges of single parenthood, work, and relationships in general (aka: life). Have my boys done their homework and are they feeling safe? Have I paid my cell phone bill yet...is it electronic billing or paper? Did I forget anything for my project at work? Oh no, a child is sick...I need to scramble to find last minute help! Did I fulfill my obligations to my partner or friends? What's that smell, did I remember to put on deodorant? Give my mind a moment wander and watch the spiral occur like water going down the bathtub drain!

But back to my original thought, how do we train ourselves to be mindful of the present moment and silence the noise? Most of these thoughts about life are required in order to operate on a daily basis but can clearly motivate survival mode more than a mode of thriving. Let's consider one solution that has presented itself to me several times in the recent past...surrender.

Surrendering comes when the mirror is held up and the masks come off. For example, recently a much valued relationship came to a conclusion and while pondering all the reasons for it's expiration, it was very easy to see why it didn't function because of the other person. But knowing that who we surround ourselves with  is a direct reflection of the characteristics and struggles in ourselves, I knew better than to judge.

After some time I realized the struggle obvious to me in the other person was correlated directly with my own struggle, yet in a different way. Fear. My 'aha' moment was for me, fear lies in my being unable to own my power and maintain healthy boundaries with people who have certain dominating personality traits. Because I tend to lack confidence and belief that my power is even possible to exercise with these personality, it bleeds into every area of my life. Although this realization is not directly related with the dissolution of the relationship, the far reaching effects of my fear and lack of confidence certainly played a notable part in my responses toward the other person from the beginning. Boom.

Now what? Well...acceptance seemed to be the next viable option to explore in the hopes of silencing my internal tornado. Realizing that my fear was playing a 'lead' role and causing disruption in so many areas of life, it only made sense that acceptance could help it dissipate. After all, my desire to live a more peaceful and present existence propels me forward, so not accepting the role of fear would ultimately be too risky to ignore and the only option was to accept its existence.

Acceptance to me means that you can acknowledge your challenges with objectivity (and most often the help of good friends), then remove the power or energy behind what is acknowledged by loving it away. It's loving yourself and the challenge. You have been given the particular personality hurdle for a reason, so to view yourself through the eyes of God, your closest friends, or even family, means that love and acceptance are unconditional. When we practice this art of acceptance the results of healing (or necessary actions to begin healing) soften the intrusive internal noises, giving the mind  the ability to be more present and clear to make healthier decisions.

The discipline of loving a challenging aspect of ourselves is not easy to do but the rewards stand to be great. Although we are all individuals with varying circumstances, consider how you might benefit through the acknowledgement of your own internal noise and it's origin, attempt to surrender your discoveries, and practice of acceptance and self love. Maybe it allows for more present living, overall contentment, and a soft gentle internal sound? Your thoughts are welcome...

Blessings!

Seasons, Cycles, & Coping...Oh My!

In this moment as we begin our new year, what season of life do you find yourself in? What is the primary internal place you feel is being shaken and stirred to create new growth? And even more so, how are you coping with the changes swirling around you?

As 2013 has wrapped up, so many of  my life's seasons began and ended and to list them in under an hour would prove impossible. Personally for me, the season most noteworthy of a shout out last year was 'relationships'. Relationships which began were friendships in my local and spiritual community of Los Angeles and work relationships. Relationships that have concluded, but are rich in lessons, would be those with family members who have passed on, some friendships, and my marriage of nine years. All of these cycles in the previous year brought a range transformations in my personal life, yet I currently find that it's not so much the lessons I want to focus on moving forward, it's my ability to handle the emotions as I'm moving through them.
 
I've tried nearly everything on a surface level to cope with the life's changes, if turning a blind eye or procrastinating counts as a coping mechanism. It's much easier to read about friends on Facebook or play Candy Crush than to stomach looking for yet another childcare provider, read that self-help book that has an inch of dust on the shelf, or even to pay bills. But the backlash of anxiety when I tackle my challenges in such a fashion quickly proves detrimental every time. I've even tried eating my way through the intense feelings the seasons of change can produce and it doesn't help. But what HAS helped is a loving supportive network of people who hold me accountable to my moving forward through these seasonal changes in life and offering advice that is not always what my ears want to hear, yet contains more value than I give credence to in the moment.

Luckily, there are a handful of people who love me enough to continually say the same thing multiple times per week at any given time. This wise advice is simple - "be kind, gentle, and love yourself." Pretty straightforward, right? I certainly wish, and I'm sure they do as well, that I had listened the first 30 times it was being said. However, after all the cycles and seasons of last year, I find myself faced with this lesson and knowing the key for moving forward successfully lies in my ability to genuinely act on this wise advice. If accomplished, it will certainly create a firm foundation for my ability to emotionally cope with the transitions of life cycles and seasons.

Acceptance, healthy boundaries, daily spiritual time, and sleep are at the top of my personal list for how to begin practicing self love. If I can begin to practice gratitude for the the blessings in the moment and the unanswered prayers, shut off my phone and be without distraction for a day, wake each morning and spend quiet moments spiritually nurturing my soul...the self love will grow more abundant than what it has been in the past. Sleeping, as small sounding as it is, will also allow my body to handle the emotions of seasonal in a more balanced way. With practice, these little things will ultimately change the way I move through challenging transitions. Without practice however, nothing will change and the same frantic anxiety/fear/anger will take over each time a new season begins...it's a personal choice to practice and a hard one at that. (Let us not forget the definition of insanity=doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results)

Everyone has a different formula on how to set a solid foundation for healthfully moving through seasons of change emotionally. The challenge is to identify the theme and underlying emotions...what is at the root of the emotions? THAT is where the freedom lies. For if you are anything like me in the way you handle stress during the most intense of times, the heart of the problem is often some form of self care that we are refusing ourselves. We refuse to care for ourselves often because we either don't believe it isn't deserved or is an act of selfishness.

May this year be filled with blessings for each of you and the ability to feel stable in the midst of the seasons of change we will experience. And as each experience presents itself may you have the strength to identify what is necessary to create a loving foundation on which you can feel stable as the transformations take place!

Tsunami's of Life & Grace as a Flashlight

The beauty of life is that we really hold the opportunity to experience the mystery of grace at any given moment. Challenged to the core at times, while we walk through the dark seemingly blindfolded as to what will occur next, we also stand to grow significantly in our faith and understanding of how we experience authentic, God given grace. 

 

In this instant as I glance at my surroundings, I am humbled by the past 4 weeks. Usually I would prefer to keep this as a 'dear diary' moment, however the turn of events that led to this moment are nothing short of a leap of faith, genuine grace, and miraculous happenings that have led to new beginnings. A new home, back in the workplace for the first time in years, adapting to single parenting, and living across the country from my family...this is my reality and one which I am proud.

 

As the past year has been a transition period for my boys father and myself, my life's foundation has been shaken up quite a bit to allow for change to occur. Any situation of this caliber would cause a ripple effect in one's life. And that's exactly what happened, although it certainly felt like more of a tsunami than a ripple.

 

Four weeks ago I found myself with a two week deadline to find an affordable home in Los Angeles for my 3 boys & I, along with a job, and affordable childcare. Exhilaration was the initial feeling...it lasted about 30 minutes until complete panic took over. Not the most attractive of life moments, laying in the fetal position on the floor and hyperventilating did nothing to make anything happen so once composed through conversations with family and close friends...I put my big girl panties on and got ready for action.

 

Acting on what I thought was best and in line with what God wanted me to do felt IMPOSSIBLE. For me, the greatest moments of personal and spiritual growth have always been spurred on by circumstances that feel unachievable to move through (boarding school & boot camp to name a few). These are the circumstances when faith gets tested, the times where we prove to ourselves that rising to the occasion isn't as far fetched as once believed. But also true is that when we take action to do the uncomfortable and show that we are willing to walk into the unknowing , it's grace that holds our hand and ensures that we cross over onto solid ground.

 

In my own life once I took baby steps into the direction I felt led to move toward, in two weeks time nothing short of a series of miracles occurred. The job, the home, and the childcare all fell into place. Nothing came easily, but that's because there were little lessons to be reminded of along the way and most often I put limitations on what I thought God could actually do. Silly me. Once at my wits end with each scenario and without a second to spare, I found a fabulous community to reside in, a job that was more than suitable, and a wonderful young woman who adores my boys to help with the balancing act of childcare. Does it get any better than that?

 

The grace that carried me through these past few weeks (and continue to do so) have been the girlfriends who barely knew me but helped me clean out my home, the friends who sent texts or called and still have yet to hear back from me to this day but know that I love them and will reappear in due time. It was the friends who called me to the mat, had the tough conversations, unafraid of my response and knowing full well I needed a swift kick in the butt. Grace appeared as a strangers offering to pass my name along to someone they knew was hiring, the woman at the bank who I will never see again that gave me a hug telling me that it would all be okay in the end, a home owner working with my delicate situation with an open heart and compassion when no one else would. THAT WAS GRACE HOLDING MY HAND. That grace was the flashlight in the moment my faith was being stretched...and boy am I grateful!

 

Have faith in the darkest of times. Be open to being stretched for peace IS there awaiting you on the other side. It may not be immediate but it will happen, and that I can guarantee.

 

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.” - Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 





 

 





Be Present, already!

 Last night when the Sandman refused me rest, I found myself relating Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love. The opening scene in the book where she's laying on the bathroom floor wailing like a baby due to circumstances that aren't muddled and she asks God for help and receives the response "Go back to Bed". Plain, simple, extremely clear. To think of this response to such deep sorrow always causes me to laugh...while my struggles are slightly different than that of Gilberts, I did receive the same sort of response. Be Present.

Day dreaming can sometime prove the perfect band aid when going through difficult life situations. Not the kind filled with rainbows and unicorns, but rather where you strongly project yourself in the most desired of circumstances. Visions filled with creating, obtaining, and fulfilling scenarios that are infused with contentment, joy, and success. Like walking a tightrope though, daydreaming can often lead to meltdowns of some sorts when what you thought you were clearly creating is wiped off the table and no other options are visible on the horizons.

Being present comes as naturally to me as solving advanced mathematical equations. However, if this isn't a practiced art form, it can be detrimental to one's mental health. For if you begin to 'bank on' something happening because you believe it is simply the best option for your life,  two things happen. First, you block the forces of your Creator to produce something beyond your wildest dreams. Secondly, when what you dreamt gives you too much hope but gets the big fat 'denied' stamp on it, you risk sinking to darkest of places.

How exactly being present becomes an innate quality I'm not so sure. Daydreaming can be necessary faced with the option to living amongst Nerf gun wars and food in constant nugget form...whose mind doesn't wander to the beach with a Mai Tai? But when it comes to living on a more grand scale and being on ones life path, perhaps following the daily notions provided by our intuition and having faith that all is as it should be in the present moment is simply mandatory. Knowing that the Creator knows our heart and desires, and wants to give us everything, can be a reminder that taking daily baby steps is exactly the antedote to being consistently neutral, fulfilled, and present...ultimately allowing the adventure of how we are getting there to be more gratifying than daydreaming about the results.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eat,_Pray,_Love)

Transforming into something better...

2012 has seemingly been one of the most seriously transformative years in my life’s journey thus far. As our global community has been exposed to extreme violence, financial despair, and various forms of deep heartache; such events have challenged my personal way of life and meaning, to create deep internal change. Not one aspect within me seems to remain the same since moving through the past 12 months…. a similar situation for many.

 This year, people have publicly experienced adults & children murdered in unimaginable ways, families loose their financial stability, school systems further dissolve, an election campaign (both sides;)) create fear and hostility towards each other. These things have impacted us all…even if not directly, one can’t help but be affected as we bear witness to these circumstances. Our interconnectedness seemingly screams to be understood and addressed. So easy to continue in the rat race, the hope for moving into the New Year is that we could begin to nurture one another more efficiently than we have in the past. For should we continue to close off our hearts to those around us, we become hardened and that can only further promote internal and external pain that we have lived through up to this point.

 Vulnerability is a challenging aspect to wrestle. So many, myself included, hold deep emotional scars that prevent us from opening up to others. Fear drives us deeper within ourselves and only through experiencing compassion can that fear be penetrated strong enough to encourage healing. But healing can be done…it’s just going to take one small step at a time in doing an act of kindness for someone in a way that is uncomfortable to the person taking action. For example, its easy for me to show compassion by cooking for others but more difficult for me to be open with what’s really going on in my heart. I always love to hear other’s stories and provide advice, but it doesn’t do anyone any good if it’s not balanced by me being open as well. When I open up, it creates a mutual bond where both myself and the other person can heal. Sure it may be painful at first to display the baggage that is being carried, but in the end I find that my ability to trust becomes strengthened and my heart opens further, thus ultimately give more.

 It’s apparent that in order to create a better local/national/global community the way we conduct ourselves must change to keep us from further self-destructing. But the traditional saying that ‘change starts from within’ is a primary ingredient that has to be applied for effective results.  My prayer for moving into 2013 is that we could consistently practice compassion toward those we know and don’t know. Like we take care of our physical bodies by exercising because it’s important, may we take care of others on a daily basis as well. No act is too small…complimenting someone’s smile, buying someone a meal, having a conversation with a friend, or just being present for those who need it without judging can do the trick. These things can help us trade what we have had in the past for something much more desirable and livable.

May you all be richly blessed in this New Year…have the ability to dream big and go for it. Life’s too short…if you go for it, you will find the support you need to succeed and in ways that are surprisingly fabulous…

Cheers!