Expectations have been a looming cloud of mine for a great deal of time. Unable to identify it at first, over the past few years it's been more blatant in my face....sort of like the comical devil that sits on someones shoulder laughing and tempting a person.
Most of the time it was with the best of intentions that these expectations were put in place. Friendships, family, career, even personal...these expectations were guidelines that were supposed to make me happy and content. Like a thermometer chart where, as the expectations were met, the red line would rise. At the top would indicate pure bliss or the 'moment' of having achieved my greatest dreams. Should these expectations not be met would mean that I was failing at life, one of my greatest fears.
These silent expectations have seemingly revealed themselves as control issues. They are the handcuffs that prevent the opportunity for something even better to come into my existence. When my expectations have been met in the past...it only led me down an addictive path of creating some new 'standard' that had to be fulfilled. Often unmet, these standards brought pain, anger, drama or fear and reigned with tyranny. Perhaps they realistically also prevented me the opportunity for experiencing a lasting, soft peace and contentment that withstands time.
The handful of times when the control has been nonexistent have brought some of the most lasting and rewarding situations. Like our house in California...we looked for weeks and saw less than desirable homes. Near the verge of a breakdown, as soon as I gave up we found a house on Craigslist that was affordable, beautiful and had even more amenities than we thought possible. On a smaller but just as important level...friendships. When I've put away my criteria and judgements, some of the most fabulously interesting people have entered my life and made some REALLY beautiful imprints.
Hopefully, with a little daily practice and kava tea to chill my overactive mind I can more routinely brush the devil from my shoulder cheering for expectations. Sure, there will be dreams of what I desire, but with ease I can just let them go and move on about my day...not forcing them into existence. It'll be more like living as a child does...less perceivable boundaries, ability to dream big without fear, and know without fail that all will be accomplished in time and magical ways.
Hmmm...
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Unique...
u·nique/yo͞oˈnēk/
| Adjective: |
|
This past week all the Christmas decorations were pulled from their hiding places, dusted off, and placed around the home to enhance the holiday spirit. Year after year as one of my favorite pieces, a handmade stocking from my grandmother, is pulled from the bins, a giggle fit takes over. The grandmother who stitched this for me prior to birth was someone with whom I was deeply connected to and loved very much. She understood me well and provided unconditional love and support during the times I needed it the most; so her intuition in color choices as she created this stocking were filled with a great deal of irony and foresight on her part, whether she was aware of it at the time or not!
This beautiful stocking made with tender loving care is adorned with bells, green trees that sparkle and a Santa...whose face is a light ebony color. Each grandchild received a stocking for their first Christmas, and out of six grandchildren mine is the only one whose Santa is a many shades darker than the rest. Don't get me wrong, this is NOT a pity party! It's the symbolism of the Santa that brings the annual smile to my face, for make no mistake, the life path I seem to have walked, encompasses many aspects aligned with that of the 'black sheep'.
Various body piercings, love for tattoos, boarding school student, handmade clothing created from thrift store finds, boot camp attendee, meeting the gentleman with whom I would have three beautiful children with on the interstate as we were driving 65 mph alongside each other...that was me. Most often deemed unconventional when compared to my surroundings, but looking back clearly it was also a way to discover who I really am.
Uniqueness is quite freeing when one can fully embrace and channel it for the purpose of enhancing life, instead of creating the illusion of being a victim of circumstance. Many times I have felt too different, unaccepted, and at times completely alone. This has not fully gone away, victim hood can claim the mind of anyone from time to time. Rationally however, how can someone accept someone if they don't fully accept themselves? Seriously. But internally contemplating this notion for awhile, resolution and peace now reigns in the personal choice to embrace and keep the lessons from the unique life experiences that once hindered my power. Ultimately, this acceptance also has allowed a serious love for qualities of the 'black sheep' style ingrained in my being...for which at times will be flaunted without shame.
Being unconventional, certainly has its perks. One doesn't have to worry too much about what others will think, because you have already been deemed a bit 'unique.' No one asks, "Why would Eliza do/say that?" The question has already been answered. "Why is Eliza's hair purple?" Although perhaps it was an accident made by a hair stylist, no one who knows me thinks twice. Very freeing and hilarious.
So, have you ever felt predestined to hold a certain 'lot' in life? Maybe that 'lot' is a marked with neon green while others have the standard yellow? If so, let's be friends for that is certainly the standard for me!
Cheers!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
For the love of the stone...
Never having been the hobby type, a few years ago I stumbled upon a store in the Chicagoland area called Crystal Life Technology, Inc. (http://crystal-life.com/). This store, filled to the brim with radiating crystals and beautiful spiritual material, became a starting point for developing my understanding of the energetic properties crystals hold. Beginning as an interest, my appreciation quickly grew into a love and passion for crystals and crystal therapy.
People have the common understanding of the use of crystals in computers, ultrasonic devices, etc.; but their ability to be put to use in our everyday life now seems to be gaining more recognition as of late. It may be that once a person is exposed to something then they are likely to see more, however even lately Target has been selling crystal bracelets with tags that show the intention of how each individual stone can assist in one's life. CRAZY!
Now living in Los Angeles, The Sacred Stone Gallery (http://www.sacredstonegallery.com/) is a new favorite peaceful spot that continues to nourish my knowledge and collection of crystals. Assisting me in my Reiki practice, daily health, and overall life of my family, this 'hobby' is fascinating yet sometimes difficult to explain. Should you want to have a deeper understanding, below is a link to a video that breaks it down into simple terms.
Enjoy!
People have the common understanding of the use of crystals in computers, ultrasonic devices, etc.; but their ability to be put to use in our everyday life now seems to be gaining more recognition as of late. It may be that once a person is exposed to something then they are likely to see more, however even lately Target has been selling crystal bracelets with tags that show the intention of how each individual stone can assist in one's life. CRAZY!
Now living in Los Angeles, The Sacred Stone Gallery (http://www.sacredstonegallery.com/) is a new favorite peaceful spot that continues to nourish my knowledge and collection of crystals. Assisting me in my Reiki practice, daily health, and overall life of my family, this 'hobby' is fascinating yet sometimes difficult to explain. Should you want to have a deeper understanding, below is a link to a video that breaks it down into simple terms.
Enjoy!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Friendship Part 1
One of the biggest blessings a person can be given is to have a friendship with someone with whom you can TOTALLY be yourself. The type of relationship composed of ingredients such as non-judgement, unconditional acceptance and authenticity. A place where the friendship grows despite differences that arise or the varying circumstances that often present themselves in life. I believe these relationships qualify as an enormous blessing in that behind all of the ingredients listed above, they ultimately allow for people to grow and expand their spirits, boundaries, and beliefs in a safe way.
Fortunately, I've had the opportunity to have many friendships in my life path that 'fit the bill' above. Some relationships have faded, some faded and returned, and a few that have remained constant over time. For each circumstance, and despite the outcome, all of these friendships have propelled me to grow in ways I couldn't have on my own. It's been good, to say the least...and each individual has special place in my history/present that is surrounded by gratitude.
Just a passing thought necessary to record....
Cheers!
*My sister is one such relationship that deserves a shout out. She's hysterical. We have grown close over time and with her, humor knows no limits.
Fortunately, I've had the opportunity to have many friendships in my life path that 'fit the bill' above. Some relationships have faded, some faded and returned, and a few that have remained constant over time. For each circumstance, and despite the outcome, all of these friendships have propelled me to grow in ways I couldn't have on my own. It's been good, to say the least...and each individual has special place in my history/present that is surrounded by gratitude.
Just a passing thought necessary to record....
Cheers!
*My sister is one such relationship that deserves a shout out. She's hysterical. We have grown close over time and with her, humor knows no limits.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Happy Halloween - A personal account of a haunting...
Ghosts, spirits, apparitions, forms from other dimensions, whatever name you choose to call them, I believe that they exist. Yep, there it is in writing. Call me nuts, but all it takes is an experience or ten to solidify one's belief. There are only so many times every hair on your head can stand straight up before you accept and face whatever it is trying to catch your attention. Quite frankly, when we lived in Batavia it took a few years before I was able to take action, and boy did it get out of hand.
The first question while walking through the home we purchased in 2004 was related to ghosts. Intrigued since childhood, yet without any evidence to solidify the belief, there was a desire to inquire about anything fishy having had happened in the homes we looked at. I would make darn sure that we weren't buying the next Amityville house. The previous owner reassured me the house was quite pleasant. It was either their departing or my arriving, but creepy things began to happen almost immediately after moving in.
It started in a simple fashion. A fearful feeling at night that someone was watching me from the hallway. So strong a feeling that I hated to even walk in the hallway at night, but had to nonetheless because my baby's room was opposite my bedroom. Then there was the basement...boy did I HATE that basement for I had the same feeling of being watched down there as I did on the top floor. Anyhow, logic told me that there is no such thing as ghosts...buck it up kiddo and put on your big girl pants on, it's all in your head.
A turning point no doubt, upon the arrival of my second son the following year, these energetic disturbances became more apparent. The same feelings of being watched remained, but now by a man that I would see from time to time. He was tall, brown hair, dressed like a pioneer, and liked to stand at the top of the stairs. My babysitter would claim to have thought she saw something too...when we compared notes as to what and where, they always matched up. At night when lying in bed, on a few occasions I heard children's footsteps running in the hallway downstairs. It was multiple pitter patter sounds on the hardwood floor, an unmistakable sound to any mother or caretaker. Another occasion, a babysitter heard 'me' call her name from downstairs, but I had not arrived.
Don't get me wrong, there are many ways one can justify strange things happening. I have had every skeptic in my house during this time period and EVERYONE always felt odd. It was unnerving to me to hear non-believers claim to be skittish because of how apparent these ghosts were. And it just escalated the more time went on. Clearly my fear and the fear of others attracted them. From random pictures just falling and breaking with no one around, nail still in the wall and hanger remaining perfectly in place on the frame, to lights and televisions turning on and off at any given time. Banging that would shake the entire house, toys and puzzles making sounds synchronized with lights turning on in the playroom, my waking up to children that weren't mine standing beside my bed looking at me, the list goes on and on. It became apart of our everyday life. Then 'they' started to mess with my children.
When my boys reached 2 1/2 & 3 1/2yrs of age, they began to talk about 'The Boot'. The boot was a man that they were terrified of, especially at night. My eldest always escaped his room like 007. I could never get him to stay in his bed long enough to fall asleep but if the door was closed, the screams he could produce were just awful. Clearly, it was fear. The youngest boy ALWAYS stayed in his bed, as if frozen. His room was where I had first felt something unnatural and he claimed to be terrified of his closet. They would tell me that the 'Boot' liked to scare them, that he was in their rooms. One night at bedtime, my eldest said "shhhh, daddy. Do you hear that? It's the Boot, he's coming." My husband, who never over thinks things, really squirmed with this comment. This Boot lived upstairs and in retrospect was probably the ghost that the babysitter and I saw often. But should anyone, living or not, threaten my children there will be no limits to what tactics I will use to change the situation.
As Divine timing would have it, a dear friend of mine came back into my life the summer of 2008. One day when she was over, her little girl began to cry and point at something, yet nothing we could see. She said that she had a 'not so good feeling' about something in the house but wasn't sure of how to approach the discussion. At that point, all history of odd occurrences came flooding out from me and thankfully my friend didn't run. She even knew of someone that could help bless and clear the house, seal it up so that these beings would permanently go away. Without hesitation I agreed and a date was set for a house blessing.
The day before three women were to bless my house, I was on the phone with a friend discussing what was to go down. Alone in the house and putting on makeup, in the middle of a sentence 'someone' coughed clearly and loudly from right behind my body. Completely freaked out, I began counting the hours to peace. Not certain of what was to come, at this point I was willing to try anything...dance like a chicken, sacrifice a lamb...ANYTHING!
Finally the day arrived for the clearing. The details of 'how' it was done aren't important, but that day as the women moved through the house closet doors slammed shut, cabinets opened and closed, screams and all sorts of energetic disturbances were unhappy, yet removed from my home. I will NEVER forget after all was said and done...that for the first night in years my eldest son slept in his bed without getting out at all, while my youngest,now unafraid of anything, chose to get out of bed freely during the night. It was a huge difference. I slept better and felt a lifting in the air, just simply a better vibe with an angelic twist.
I'm forever grateful to those women who taught me how to maintain an energetically clean home and now I love helping those that have lived through similar experiences. Don't get me wrong, we still had some things happen here or there, but nothing like before....
Happy Halloween!
The first question while walking through the home we purchased in 2004 was related to ghosts. Intrigued since childhood, yet without any evidence to solidify the belief, there was a desire to inquire about anything fishy having had happened in the homes we looked at. I would make darn sure that we weren't buying the next Amityville house. The previous owner reassured me the house was quite pleasant. It was either their departing or my arriving, but creepy things began to happen almost immediately after moving in.
It started in a simple fashion. A fearful feeling at night that someone was watching me from the hallway. So strong a feeling that I hated to even walk in the hallway at night, but had to nonetheless because my baby's room was opposite my bedroom. Then there was the basement...boy did I HATE that basement for I had the same feeling of being watched down there as I did on the top floor. Anyhow, logic told me that there is no such thing as ghosts...buck it up kiddo and put on your big girl pants on, it's all in your head.
A turning point no doubt, upon the arrival of my second son the following year, these energetic disturbances became more apparent. The same feelings of being watched remained, but now by a man that I would see from time to time. He was tall, brown hair, dressed like a pioneer, and liked to stand at the top of the stairs. My babysitter would claim to have thought she saw something too...when we compared notes as to what and where, they always matched up. At night when lying in bed, on a few occasions I heard children's footsteps running in the hallway downstairs. It was multiple pitter patter sounds on the hardwood floor, an unmistakable sound to any mother or caretaker. Another occasion, a babysitter heard 'me' call her name from downstairs, but I had not arrived.
Don't get me wrong, there are many ways one can justify strange things happening. I have had every skeptic in my house during this time period and EVERYONE always felt odd. It was unnerving to me to hear non-believers claim to be skittish because of how apparent these ghosts were. And it just escalated the more time went on. Clearly my fear and the fear of others attracted them. From random pictures just falling and breaking with no one around, nail still in the wall and hanger remaining perfectly in place on the frame, to lights and televisions turning on and off at any given time. Banging that would shake the entire house, toys and puzzles making sounds synchronized with lights turning on in the playroom, my waking up to children that weren't mine standing beside my bed looking at me, the list goes on and on. It became apart of our everyday life. Then 'they' started to mess with my children.
When my boys reached 2 1/2 & 3 1/2yrs of age, they began to talk about 'The Boot'. The boot was a man that they were terrified of, especially at night. My eldest always escaped his room like 007. I could never get him to stay in his bed long enough to fall asleep but if the door was closed, the screams he could produce were just awful. Clearly, it was fear. The youngest boy ALWAYS stayed in his bed, as if frozen. His room was where I had first felt something unnatural and he claimed to be terrified of his closet. They would tell me that the 'Boot' liked to scare them, that he was in their rooms. One night at bedtime, my eldest said "shhhh, daddy. Do you hear that? It's the Boot, he's coming." My husband, who never over thinks things, really squirmed with this comment. This Boot lived upstairs and in retrospect was probably the ghost that the babysitter and I saw often. But should anyone, living or not, threaten my children there will be no limits to what tactics I will use to change the situation.
As Divine timing would have it, a dear friend of mine came back into my life the summer of 2008. One day when she was over, her little girl began to cry and point at something, yet nothing we could see. She said that she had a 'not so good feeling' about something in the house but wasn't sure of how to approach the discussion. At that point, all history of odd occurrences came flooding out from me and thankfully my friend didn't run. She even knew of someone that could help bless and clear the house, seal it up so that these beings would permanently go away. Without hesitation I agreed and a date was set for a house blessing.
The day before three women were to bless my house, I was on the phone with a friend discussing what was to go down. Alone in the house and putting on makeup, in the middle of a sentence 'someone' coughed clearly and loudly from right behind my body. Completely freaked out, I began counting the hours to peace. Not certain of what was to come, at this point I was willing to try anything...dance like a chicken, sacrifice a lamb...ANYTHING!
Finally the day arrived for the clearing. The details of 'how' it was done aren't important, but that day as the women moved through the house closet doors slammed shut, cabinets opened and closed, screams and all sorts of energetic disturbances were unhappy, yet removed from my home. I will NEVER forget after all was said and done...that for the first night in years my eldest son slept in his bed without getting out at all, while my youngest,now unafraid of anything, chose to get out of bed freely during the night. It was a huge difference. I slept better and felt a lifting in the air, just simply a better vibe with an angelic twist.
I'm forever grateful to those women who taught me how to maintain an energetically clean home and now I love helping those that have lived through similar experiences. Don't get me wrong, we still had some things happen here or there, but nothing like before....
Happy Halloween!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Quick Note: Personal Weeding & Gratitude
It's late, and I've been told that nothing good comes from communicating late at night...but with my typical stubborn response it can't be resisted. In the moments where clarity reigns it's important to take notes for the official record, even if only for the purpose of proving that my mind doesn't constantly reside in a state of hysteria.
2012, in the personal department, has been quite the adventure. It's as if God suddenly declared that enough was enough and the time had come to 'pull out the weeds' of my spirit that were preventing me from fully enjoying life. Most of this year, and still to this day, has been spent inside a cocoon...the typical enjoyment of outings and socializing kept to a minimum. Quite unusual for my personality, but necessary as realizations about myself only seem to come in the quietest of times. In these moments, similar to labor, pain has given way to renewal and soundness of the ingredients that I'm composed of.
These 'weeds' have symbolized old baggage necessary for reflection and removal. As they are now removed (for this layer/chapter of life) and the cocoon begins to be shed, I can only be so grateful for the lessons learned and the friends/family that have seen me through this year. It's far from over, but going through the thick of challenges with people whom display unconditional love is irreplaceable. Being snotty nosed, angry, fearful, or plain old hysteria hasn't chased my friends away yet.
My hope is that I would be a lighthouse to others who go through major life events. My I be able to give what so many others have given to me. That's all. Short and simple. Perhaps it wasn't too bad to write so late at night?
Cheers!
2012, in the personal department, has been quite the adventure. It's as if God suddenly declared that enough was enough and the time had come to 'pull out the weeds' of my spirit that were preventing me from fully enjoying life. Most of this year, and still to this day, has been spent inside a cocoon...the typical enjoyment of outings and socializing kept to a minimum. Quite unusual for my personality, but necessary as realizations about myself only seem to come in the quietest of times. In these moments, similar to labor, pain has given way to renewal and soundness of the ingredients that I'm composed of.
These 'weeds' have symbolized old baggage necessary for reflection and removal. As they are now removed (for this layer/chapter of life) and the cocoon begins to be shed, I can only be so grateful for the lessons learned and the friends/family that have seen me through this year. It's far from over, but going through the thick of challenges with people whom display unconditional love is irreplaceable. Being snotty nosed, angry, fearful, or plain old hysteria hasn't chased my friends away yet.
My hope is that I would be a lighthouse to others who go through major life events. My I be able to give what so many others have given to me. That's all. Short and simple. Perhaps it wasn't too bad to write so late at night?
Cheers!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Things that come in three's....
Have you heard of the saying that things always happen in three's? The good Lord above chuckled at my stubbornness and illusion of control over my life when he entrusted three beautiful souls into my care...despite preventative measures being in place each time! If you've met me, I'm quick to point out all my parenting flaws and belief that God has more faith in my ability to parent than He should. You would probably know too, within the first five minutes of our conversation, that parenting was never in my personal plan growing up. My patience and personal skill set lacked a level of being grounded and centered; should I be entrusted with additional lives, it may prove hairy and chaotic. Yet most positive set of three's to grace my presence are my three spirited boys.
B.C. (before children) my focus was on utilizing personal survival skills to adapt and live moment to moment. Having left home at 16, the relationship with my siblings and parents wasn't necessarily poor, but it's safe to say it could be classified as an arm's length status. There had always been love between us, but not knowing what direction to pour my energy into or where I could find stable ground from which to operate, clouded my sense of purpose and relationships. Although I was employed and accomplished in the business sense, there was still that nagging feeling that there was something more that could be done to make a difference if I could just sit still for ONE minute and be silent.
That moment of silence was deafening upon the arrival of my first born, Sam. One look at him and complete fear enveloped my heart...for I had no IDEA how to care for such a fragile being. Love for him was immediate, but good grief I felt I might just screw him up from the start if I didn't feed him, dress him, or bathe him correctly. All those books will make someone psychotic if they weren't emotionally prepared for child rearing.
Talk exposing control issues. My poor family thought me crazy as I would make lists and demands a mile long out of fear of screwing Sam up completely. My sister Kimberly came to aid and guide me in this new journey which helped incredibly. She and I would talk slang to Sam, sit up late at night giggling and telling him inappropriate jokes that made the tension surrounding the situation go away. It took me about 3 months to get comfy in the new maternal role before I discovered Ben was on his way. Yes, you read that right. Sam was 3 months old when I took a pregnancy test as a joke and it was positive. After racing to the drugstore and purchasing 5 more, the conclusion that I was with child yet again could not be disputed.
One week after Sam's first birthday, my sweet n' spicy fellow Ben arrived. The fear was less this time and the love immediate. Four years passed before Joe accompanied us along our journey, but upon his arrival, and completion of the 'triad', many hidden blessings have come into view more clearly.
The birth of my children has brought about a birth of my own personal sense of self. Dusting off the shelves of my personality relating to nurturing, softness, and maternal instincts has uncovered a natural intuition for discovering what components I'm made of. Knowing what these components are have led to a healthy birth of relationships. My parents, siblings and myself are able to now communicate and love authentically and openly. Friendships have ended and come into being, but all with purpose and all with love. Not everything is figured out of course, but it's always a work in process. A process I'm more grateful for than I would have ever imagined.
Blessings!
B.C. (before children) my focus was on utilizing personal survival skills to adapt and live moment to moment. Having left home at 16, the relationship with my siblings and parents wasn't necessarily poor, but it's safe to say it could be classified as an arm's length status. There had always been love between us, but not knowing what direction to pour my energy into or where I could find stable ground from which to operate, clouded my sense of purpose and relationships. Although I was employed and accomplished in the business sense, there was still that nagging feeling that there was something more that could be done to make a difference if I could just sit still for ONE minute and be silent.
That moment of silence was deafening upon the arrival of my first born, Sam. One look at him and complete fear enveloped my heart...for I had no IDEA how to care for such a fragile being. Love for him was immediate, but good grief I felt I might just screw him up from the start if I didn't feed him, dress him, or bathe him correctly. All those books will make someone psychotic if they weren't emotionally prepared for child rearing.
Talk exposing control issues. My poor family thought me crazy as I would make lists and demands a mile long out of fear of screwing Sam up completely. My sister Kimberly came to aid and guide me in this new journey which helped incredibly. She and I would talk slang to Sam, sit up late at night giggling and telling him inappropriate jokes that made the tension surrounding the situation go away. It took me about 3 months to get comfy in the new maternal role before I discovered Ben was on his way. Yes, you read that right. Sam was 3 months old when I took a pregnancy test as a joke and it was positive. After racing to the drugstore and purchasing 5 more, the conclusion that I was with child yet again could not be disputed.
One week after Sam's first birthday, my sweet n' spicy fellow Ben arrived. The fear was less this time and the love immediate. Four years passed before Joe accompanied us along our journey, but upon his arrival, and completion of the 'triad', many hidden blessings have come into view more clearly.
The birth of my children has brought about a birth of my own personal sense of self. Dusting off the shelves of my personality relating to nurturing, softness, and maternal instincts has uncovered a natural intuition for discovering what components I'm made of. Knowing what these components are have led to a healthy birth of relationships. My parents, siblings and myself are able to now communicate and love authentically and openly. Friendships have ended and come into being, but all with purpose and all with love. Not everything is figured out of course, but it's always a work in process. A process I'm more grateful for than I would have ever imagined.
Blessings!
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