Happy Halloween - A personal account of a haunting...

Ghosts, spirits, apparitions, forms from other dimensions, whatever name you choose to call them, I believe that they exist. Yep, there it is in writing. Call me nuts, but all it takes is an experience or ten to solidify one's belief. There are only so many times every hair on your head can stand straight up before you accept and face whatever it is trying to catch your attention. Quite frankly, when we lived in Batavia it took a few years before I was able to take action, and boy did it get out of hand.

The first question while walking through the home we purchased in 2004 was related to ghosts. Intrigued since childhood, yet without any evidence to solidify the belief, there was a desire to inquire about anything fishy having had happened in the homes we looked at. I would make darn sure that we weren't buying the next Amityville house. The previous owner reassured me the house was quite pleasant. It was either their departing or my arriving, but creepy things began to happen almost immediately after moving in.

It started in a simple fashion. A fearful feeling at night that someone was watching me from the hallway. So strong a feeling that I hated to even walk in the hallway at night, but had to nonetheless because my baby's room was opposite my bedroom. Then there was the basement...boy did I HATE that basement for I had the same feeling of being watched down there as I did on the top floor.  Anyhow, logic told me that there is no such thing as ghosts...buck it up kiddo and put on your big girl pants on, it's all in your head.

A turning point no doubt, upon the arrival of my second son the following year, these energetic disturbances became more apparent. The same feelings of being watched remained, but now by a man that I would see from time to time. He was tall, brown hair, dressed like a pioneer, and liked to stand at the top of the stairs. My babysitter would claim to have thought she saw something too...when we compared notes as to what and where, they always matched up. At night when lying in bed, on a few occasions I heard children's footsteps running in the hallway downstairs. It was multiple pitter patter sounds on the hardwood floor, an unmistakable sound to any mother or caretaker. Another occasion, a babysitter heard 'me' call her name from downstairs, but I had not arrived.

Don't get me wrong, there are many ways one can justify strange things happening.  I have had every skeptic in my house during this time period and EVERYONE always felt odd. It was unnerving to me to hear non-believers claim to be skittish because of how apparent these ghosts were. And it just escalated the more time went on. Clearly my fear and the fear of others attracted them. From random pictures just falling and breaking with no one around, nail still in the wall and hanger remaining perfectly in place on the frame, to lights and televisions turning on and off at any given time. Banging that would shake the entire house, toys and puzzles making sounds synchronized with lights turning on in the playroom, my waking up to children that weren't mine standing beside my bed looking at me, the list goes on and on. It became apart of our everyday life. Then 'they' started to mess with my children.

When my boys reached 2 1/2 & 3 1/2yrs of age, they began to talk about 'The Boot'. The boot was a man that they were terrified of, especially at night. My eldest always escaped his room like 007. I could never get him to stay in his bed long enough to fall asleep but if the door was closed, the screams he could produce were just awful. Clearly, it was fear. The youngest boy ALWAYS stayed in his bed, as if frozen. His room was where I had first felt something unnatural and he claimed to be terrified of his closet. They would tell me that the 'Boot' liked to scare them, that he was in their rooms. One night at bedtime, my eldest said "shhhh, daddy. Do you hear that? It's the Boot, he's coming." My husband, who never over thinks things, really squirmed with this comment. This Boot lived upstairs and in retrospect was probably the ghost that the babysitter and I saw often. But should anyone, living or not, threaten my children there will be no limits to what tactics I will use to change the situation.

As Divine timing would have it, a dear friend of mine came back into my life the summer of 2008. One day when she was over, her little girl began to cry and point at something, yet nothing we could see. She said that she had a 'not so good feeling' about something in the house but wasn't sure of how to approach the discussion. At that point, all history of odd occurrences came flooding out from me and thankfully my friend didn't run. She even knew of someone that could help bless and clear the house, seal it up so that these beings would permanently go away. Without hesitation I agreed and a date was set for a house blessing.

The day before three women were to bless my house, I was on the phone with a friend discussing what was to go down. Alone in the house and putting on makeup, in the middle of a sentence 'someone' coughed clearly and loudly from right behind my body. Completely freaked out, I began counting the hours to peace. Not certain of what was to come, at this point I was willing to try anything...dance like a chicken, sacrifice a lamb...ANYTHING!

Finally the day arrived for the clearing. The details of 'how' it was done aren't important, but that day as the women moved through the house closet doors slammed shut, cabinets opened and closed, screams and all sorts of energetic disturbances were unhappy, yet removed from my home. I will NEVER forget after all was said and done...that for the first night in years my eldest son slept in his bed without getting out at all, while my youngest,now unafraid of anything, chose to get out of bed freely during the night. It was a huge difference. I slept better and felt a lifting in the air, just simply a better vibe with an angelic twist.

I'm forever grateful to those women who taught me how to maintain an energetically clean home and now I love helping those that have lived through similar experiences. Don't get me wrong, we still had some things happen here or there, but nothing like before....

Happy Halloween!

Quick Note: Personal Weeding & Gratitude

It's late, and I've been told that nothing good comes from communicating late at night...but with my typical stubborn response it can't be resisted. In the moments where clarity reigns it's important to take notes for the official record, even if only for the purpose of proving that my mind doesn't constantly reside in a state of hysteria.

2012, in the personal department, has been quite the adventure. It's as if God suddenly declared that enough was enough and the time had come to 'pull out the weeds' of my spirit that were preventing me from fully enjoying life. Most of this year, and still to this day, has been spent inside a cocoon...the typical enjoyment of outings and socializing kept to a minimum. Quite unusual for my personality, but necessary as realizations about myself only seem to come in the quietest of times. In these moments, similar to labor, pain has given way to renewal and soundness of the ingredients that I'm composed of. 

These 'weeds' have symbolized old baggage necessary for reflection and removal. As they are now removed (for this layer/chapter of life) and the cocoon begins to be shed, I can only be so grateful for the lessons learned and the friends/family that have seen me through this year. It's far from over, but going through the thick of challenges with people whom display unconditional love is irreplaceable. Being snotty nosed, angry, fearful, or plain old hysteria hasn't chased my friends away yet.

My hope is that I would be a lighthouse to others who go through major life events. My I be able to give what so many others have given to me. That's all. Short and simple. Perhaps it wasn't too bad to write so late at night?

Cheers!

Things that come in three's....

Have you heard of the saying that things always happen in three's? The good Lord above chuckled at my stubbornness and illusion of control over my life when he entrusted three beautiful souls into my care...despite preventative measures being in place each time! If you've met me, I'm quick to point out all my parenting flaws and belief that God has more faith in my ability to parent than He should. You would probably know too, within the first five minutes of our conversation, that parenting was never in my personal plan growing up. My patience and personal skill set lacked a level of being grounded and centered; should I be entrusted with additional lives, it may prove hairy and chaotic. Yet most positive set of three's to grace my presence are my three spirited boys.  

B.C. (before children) my focus was on utilizing personal survival skills to adapt and live moment to moment. Having left home at 16, the relationship with my siblings and parents wasn't necessarily poor, but it's safe to say it could be classified as an arm's length status. There had always been love between us, but not knowing what direction to pour my energy into or where I could find stable ground from which to operate, clouded my sense of purpose and relationships. Although I was employed and accomplished in the business sense, there was still that nagging feeling that there was something more that could be done to make a difference if I could just sit still for ONE minute and be silent.

That moment of silence was deafening upon the arrival of my first born, Sam. One look at him and complete fear enveloped my heart...for I had no IDEA how to care for such a fragile being. Love for him was immediate, but good grief I felt I might just screw him up from the start if I didn't feed him, dress him, or bathe him correctly. All those books will make someone psychotic if they weren't emotionally prepared for child rearing.

Talk exposing control issues. My poor family thought me crazy as I would make lists and demands a mile long out of fear of screwing Sam up completely. My sister Kimberly came to aid and guide me in this new journey which helped incredibly. She and I would talk slang to Sam, sit up late at night giggling and telling him inappropriate jokes that made the tension surrounding the situation go away. It took me about 3 months to get comfy in the new maternal role before I discovered Ben was on his way. Yes, you read that right. Sam was 3 months old when I took a pregnancy test as a joke and it was positive. After racing to the drugstore and purchasing 5 more, the conclusion that I was with child yet again could not be disputed.

One week after Sam's first birthday, my sweet n' spicy fellow Ben arrived. The fear was less this time and the love immediate.  Four years passed before Joe accompanied us along our journey, but upon his arrival, and completion of the 'triad', many hidden blessings have come into view more clearly.

The birth of my children has brought about a birth of my own personal sense of self. Dusting off the shelves of my personality relating to nurturing, softness, and maternal instincts has uncovered a natural intuition for discovering what components I'm made of. Knowing what these components are have led to a healthy birth of relationships. My parents, siblings and myself are able to now communicate and love authentically and openly. Friendships have ended and come into being, but all with purpose and all with love. Not everything is figured out of course, but it's always a work in process. A process I'm more grateful for than I would have ever imagined.

Blessings!



The Benefits to Boot Camp...

Many blessings can come from heartache. It's difficult to feel blessed during the challenging times in life, and most often the closest friends who lend an ear and hand you a cocktail are those that have the foresight to see the benefits of the situation. Sometimes it takes weeks after beginning anew that someone can begin to have more clarity and feel gratitude for the obstacle they came through.
 
One of the toughest challenges for me was boot camp. Yes, oh yes. BOOT CAMP. In Idaho. In the desert and mountains, where not a soul dare to wander by choice. At the tender young age of 16, my parents and I had enough of one another and boarding school was the direction we* decided would be best to have a break.
 
Not being one to love summer camp or any organized activity, my parents were smart to tell me that I HAD to attend a summer program for 3 weeks before going onto my new school. I balked, cried, wanted to run away...but instead I consented to pack my bag and go. It would've been obvious from the start that this was not your typical summer program. The only contents allowed in my bag were as follows: 1 pair camouflage pants, 5 pair underwear, hiking boots, toothbrush, hairbrush, and a journal. But off to camp I went, bangs sprayed up high, pink lipstick, white keds, and all.
 
Upon arrival at the airport I was greeted by 2 military personnel. The moment I stepped off the plane they were in my face, directing me to go sit by the wall with a group of people. No questions were answered, just do as they say was the command. After an hour or so, the leaders took us out to two vans, split us into groups and ordered us to sit. They drove us far away and turned off the highway onto a dirt road which continued for about 30 more minutes. Anxiety heightening, at last we stopped in the middle of nowhere, were given bags with contents for us to go through, and ordered to strip down.
 
At this point, mind swirling with thoughts of who-knows-what (I've blocked it out), I was provided my pants, underwear, and shoes from my bag; then given a sweater, t-shirt, toothbrush, water canteens, socks, a sleeping bag, plastic baggies with rations of food, and twine. From here my group was taught how to pack our things and create the backpack we would carry for the next 21 days. Craziness. Splitting off into groups and hiking out into the night away from all civilization, my group of 7 people like me wondered what on earth would come next.

For three weeks my group would hike for miles during the day and sleep in a bag on the ground at night. (Side note: they would take our shoes and hide them so we wouldn't run away..but as sure as I am alive, there were kids who actually tried to run away...to where I'm not sure. I think they were nuts.) We would eat raw oats for breakfast and lentils for dinner at night. Using the bathroom was done the ole western way...dig a hole and bury it. Brushing your teeth was possible, but not with toothpaste. Bathing wasn't included in the summer camp program, so toward the end my diva self was humbled with lots of arm pit hair and an au' natural smell to boot.
 
Not to belabor with too many details, but some of the highlights from these three weeks included our opening statements from the boys and girls in my groups. It was there that I doubted my parents even knew what they were doing as when asked why these kids were attending the 'summer camp' most stated that the court ordered their attendance before being released back into society. Other fabulous moments included eating a rattlesnake that was speared, skinned, and prepared by our leader; a three day solo camp experience (listening to the coyotes howl while alone and not in a tent can be a bit intimidating), and waking up to a mouse 4 inches from my face but not wanting to do anything about it because it was too cold to move from my sleeping bag.
 
This 3 weeks certainly ranks as one of the top 3 most challenging times in my life. But every mile that was hiked by my ski-like feet marked another brick that was torn down from the wall I had built around my heart. It was true faith I discovered at that time. Faith that even when you have seemingly nothing, you must move forward until you find what point you need to begin again from. The genuine aspects I learned from this experience gave me both physical and emotional survival techniques. How to find the strength within to be more in line with me and to rise above other's ideas of who I was.
 
The gift of this boot camp from my parents was the best they have ever given me. For afterward, as I left home to go to boarding school away from everything I had ever known, my faith and belief in myself was more unshakable than ever....and I graduated with all A's and in the National Honor Society.
 
These are the blessings that have come from my journey...there are more and more each day that are revealed to me as I begin yet a new chapter. But remembering where I've come from gives strength for what will come next!
*I use the term 'we' loosely...I had given my poor parents no other choice. Doing worse than poor in school, the non-existent birth mother, complete insecurity as an individual in every way. Or perhaps it was the bowl cut I got at the age of seven where EVERYONE told me how much I looked like my father...which I did, but at least he was a man..I was a seriously butch looking child (meaning no disrespect to the word butch).

Connected vs. Separate, which do you think?

Do we live as individuals whom are connected or as individuals whom are separate from one another? Upon beginning to understand and work with energy, my perspective on life, relationships, and situations began to be reshaped. Realizing how connected we are, to others and all parts of nature around us, has opened me up like a portal! My thirst for as much knowledge as possible continues to be unquenchable...
The concept of existence being composed of different variations of energy (some more dense than others) knows no limit. Once you think you have grasped the idea of energy and how it works/flows around us, something else unfolds to be digested. It's simply amazing. This film, I AM, investigates our connectedness...how we have operated in the past until now. It's definitely worth the time if you have ever sought the desire to know more...

Cheers!

Continued walk discovering my truth...

sometimes a theme will reveal itself many times and in thousands of ways to someone, before a light bulb goes off and the person's eyes are opened to the message being for their own personal growth. One such theme in my life is the concept of speaking my truth with confidence and being the person I REALLY am at the core.  A challenge since being created, this speaking my truth and being 'Eliza Ann' has shown up in a variety of fashions; only recently to be consciously taken on in my 'mental' wrestling ring and observed for healing.

 

All 30 years of my existence, I've been comfortable adapting to situations and circumstances because it felt like the right thing to do. However, earlier this year with a marriage on the rocks and living thousands of miles away from any close friends or family, my true self began screaming at me for attention. As it turns out, always being extroverted, loving large crowds, maintaining a 'tough cookie' everything is just great image wasn't me. And that's only a small portion of what was rising to the surface to be let go! How on earth could I have let this charade go on this long? With the help of a very wise Dr Dorin and personal insights, some truths came to light.

 

If someone is told over and over that they need to 'be', 'feel' or 'act' a certain way throughout their lifetime, they stuff who they really are because they feel guilt or shame...like the organic thoughts of the individual aren't 'valid' or 'right'. My thought is that in turn, the individual doesn't trust their instincts, is indecisive about their path, and/or constantly negates who they really are by putting themselves down or apologizing constantly. In my mind, this is how we learn not to speak our truth and let energy flow (energy of our pursuits, relationships, spirituality). A MAJOR result of stifling ourselves is anger.

Only the individual can discover their own truth. Discovering your own truth after walking the path of invalidation can be raw. For as you decipher what really resonates with your spirit and tear down the illusion that anyone other than you can determine who you are; you uncover anger and fear that needs to be cleared.This is where my own spirituality comes into play, and where I challenge people in their belief of God/Divine. For with help from our 'Divine' network, they can assist in supporting the process and giving us the signals we need to have faith to continue moving forward. It doesn't mean that we will consistently be sad, peaceful or in a place of faith, but our Angels and Guardians really will, when given the opportunity, help us along.

For those who struggle like I did (and still do...who are we kidding), I would just encourage  prayer and meditation where you can ask for  help to speak and be who you are meant to be. Ask for the help and it will be given, just be ready to accept it. Have the patience to be gentle with yourself, seek encouragement and support during this time. Aspects (spiritual, relationships, mental) will shift during this change but the peace, joy and contentment found in its place, is far worth the pain it takes to get there.

If you picture a your best lived life and desire so greatly, that's a start to finding your own truth. Bringing it to fruition takes work but it's possible!

My white knuckled grip on the wheel of life...

“Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it,

enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.”  ―    Ann Lamott

Trying to control the outcome of all events and decisions in my life is a a never ending struggle. Will the children do well in school and make good friends? Will we be able to financially stable enough to provide food on the table? Will I ever find a good job after staying home and being a professional concierge to my family? Will I be able to afford laser hair removal for the beard that is ever flourishing on my female face? It's a good thing you are on the outside of my head and not on the inside caught in the tornado of questions!

The principles of this earthly world drill  into me that I should believe that we have complete control over our lives. When we loose control we too often are labeled as 'weak', 'unsuccessful', or 'unstable'. Watching others go through these moments heightens the fear that this too, might be us one day.  Most often, it takes an act from Mother Nature or a death to knock us up aside the head and remind us that our daily lives are filled with the illusion of ultimate control.

Behind the veil of illusion lies reality. A harsh reality at times. We simply can't control another's actions, a potential loss of job if a company is being run poorly, mother nature's destroying what we thought was permanent in our life, or even the time when our loved ones leave us in the physical sense. Nothing can be done in many circumstances to change this...but if you have found a way, do let me in on the secret;)!

Stepping with one foot in front of the other and observing the sights, smells, and lessons occurring in our lives is the only conceivable way I can think of to lesson my white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel of life. For when I do this, Divine Power (aka God), who knows no boundaries in time or space, works most quickly and efficiently producing resolutions that are greater outcomes than I had dreamt up in the first place. Savoring the moments are proving to be the essential ingredient.. this all while I listen to the laughter of my children, eat fresh sushi from a favorite restaurant, and share hilariously shameless stories with girlfriends about my hair debacles.

So here goes...I'm gonna lessen the grip on my wheel for now to fully experience each moment presented to me and make the best possible decision based on the faith that the best will be the result in the end.

In the Beginning...

Rushing through life, there have been multiple 'Ah-Ha' moments where the desire to share has been overwhelming and the loss of time due to the daily chaos has taken over. These significant events are everything from my famous social faux pas to my journey as a mom, healer, and out of the box thinker. An attempt to jot down for pleasure, humor, and exploring is what this is meant to be...and hopefully you will find it to be just that! Cheers!